David is my husband. When I first told him that I wanted to do this for Sian and Gary, I think he thought I wasnt being serious. His first question – “Why?”. I told him. He said he would have to think about it. I’m not sure if he did or didnt – I personally think he tried hard NOT to think about it. I think he thought that if he didnt think about it long enough, then maybe I’d forget about it too. For once, it didnt “take it personally” – as a personal affront to my personal wishes – as I knew of other men who had been told of the news of my intentions and they were nothing short of horrified – so I wasnt suprised by David’s reaction (or lack of it) at all.
To be honest, communication has always been a major issue in my marriage, and that’s why I am even more convinced of the “bigger picture” that this surrogacy will unveil. It is God who has orchestrated this from the very beginning. No, I don’t believe God orchestrated a war on poor Sian’s body so that she would be unable to conceive – I totally believe that she has been the victim of a planned attack to rob her of the joy of meeting Molly by the ruler of this world (I won’t even honour him one iota by saying his name). You see, Sian and Gary have been made promises by God, and He NEVER breaks his promises. (2 Peter 1:4; Jeremiah 29:11)
And so, my marriage has also suffered the same attack and to a large degree, there have been some major losses. But because of the victory that I know is already mine, I am certain that this child that I will bear will also bring fruit of new life into my own life as my marriage is healed and restored into wholeness. (Philipians 4:19)
So I eventually went back to David and asked him if I can do this. He reluctantly agreed but I knew that there was still much conflict within him. I now know why.
David and I were married 10 years ago. I married REALLY late – I was 35. When we married, David had two children from previous marriages, a daughter of 12 and a baby son. Five years ago, David lost his 15 year old daughter in a tragic motor bike accident in Port Elizabeth. There is no way for me to totally understand his loss and pain because she wasnt my biological child. Eighteen months before Lauren died, we had had our own daughter, Rebecca. A few months after Rebecca was born, we made the decision for David to have a vasectomy based on the fact that we believed that we had enough children (I was personally so overwhelmed by this baby that I had always wanted, but never fully understood the toll that it would take on me personally). So when Lauren died, David was considering having the vasectomy reversed so that we could have another baby. There were two reasons I knew we couldnt do that – firstly, we did not have the finances for the reversal and secondly, I believed at the time that David was, like most parents who lose a child, doing anything to ease the pain of losing his child. When I explained to David that we would never be able to “replace” Lauren in his heart with another baby, he allowed himself to go through the grieving process. But I think there is always place in his heart to hope for another child.
I believe that he possibly feels cheated that I would carry another child that would not be his. He cannot comprehend that it is not physically possible for us to conceive (other than the huge expense of a reversal with a then almost zero chance of him producing viable sperm, I have multi-cystic ovaries which mean that I too am unable to produce viable eggs). He cannot comprehend that I do not share the desire or dream of having another child and so he’s battling with the idea that I would want to be pregnant for 9 months as a gift to someone else. I don’t want to call him “selfish” because he is basically trying to work things out in his own time. I have to give him that. He hasnt said “NO – forget about it”. He’s said “do it” and wondering “what the heck!!”
Notice, I have always said “I think” when it comes to what David is feeling, because it is a product of poor communication. But once again, I believe that that too will be a wonderful new fruit, a new season for us in our marriage, of never again holding back our thoughts, feelings and emotions – because that’s what best friends do with each other.
In the meantime, there have been moments when I have thought “oh no, does this mean I will get no support”. Or “does this mean that God actually HASNT been speaking to me”. But those moments have been shortlived, and just because God is such an incredible DAD, he has been faithful to give me the most incredible signs that we are on the right path. For instance, last night I’m watching an episode of “Chuck”. It’s filled with its usual suspense and drama, but somewhere along the line, Chuck’s wife has to save a baby. She realises that the baby is in danger and she gives it to her own mother to look after. Chuck’s wife (I’ve forgotten her name) realises, however, that if she gives the baby to her mother, because she’s a spy, she will never be able to see her mother again. So she leaves a tearful mom with this little baby. However, the baddies really want this child (because of the huge inheritance that is attached to it), so they eventually find out that the spy who took the baby, gave it to her mom, and they go and look for the child with every intention of killing the spy’s mom. But of course, Chuck and his wife get there first and after the usual “skop, skiet and donner”, they kill all the baddies and there is a now a very tearful and touching reunion between Chuck’s wife and her mom. The mom then brings out this beautiful little girl and says to her “I would like to introduce you to your big sister, and this is….” and I”m sorry, this is where I was just blown away – “….and this is MOLLY!!” Well I almost burst into tears because for me, it was such a confirmation of a story of a little girl that needed saving, and that God was going to use me to introduce Molly to her Mom and Dad who had been waiting for her for a long time……
Yes, God will even use Chuck to get his message through…..