It certainly was a curveball. There we sat in the doctor’s waiting room for almost an hour, both of us feeling a little apprehensive for very different reasons. I knew that Sian was nervous that this doctor was going to see her as a “new challenge”, that he would be the one who would get her pregnant. I was nervous because I was concerned that after offering my “services as a surrogate”, my first scan would reveal a defunct uterus. I was dreading what that would mean to Sian and Gary if that was the case.
And then of course, the doctor’s appointment was very tense. It didnt take 5 minutes before both of us knew that this doctor was going to make sure that he got HER pregnant. I could see that Sian was getting more and more uncomfortable with every question he kept firing at her. He eventually took her into the little examination room and gave her a scan. Just a few minutes later, he came out with a long line of scan photographs, had a deep frown on his brow and kept mumbling “it’s 8.5, it’s 8.5!!”
When Sian returned to the table, he gave it to her straight. He told her that he was not prepared to tell the court that she was unable to carry a child – he was that certain that she would. Poor Sian couldnt hold back any longer, and the tears began to flow. There is no way to understand the level of pain that a person has to deal with on a road of “battling to have a baby”. I sat there listening to the doctor trying to reassure her that she would be able to have this baby, and if she really couldnt, that her surrogate was always there, although if he did use the surrogate, the chances that he would implant the surrogate AND Sian would be pretty high. This was all too much for Sian I think. For me, my spirit flew. Not because I had now been “let off the hook”, but because I knew that Sian would now be able to experience the joy of carrying her own baby to full term. It was hard not to look too excited however, because Sian was devastated.
One would ask “Well why is Sian so upset to be told that she will now have a chance of being pregnant herself? Isnt that what she ultimately wants?” The answer to the question is “absolutely, she wants to be pregnant herself”, but as mentioned before, until you have experienced the prolonged pain, disappointment and frustration of not being able to fall pregnant, you cannot just expect a “normal reaction” from anyone. Sian was hoping for “the next step” and not, in essence, to take another step back.
But, we serve a compassionate and caring God who knows Sian better than she knows herself. I am so in awe of the miracle that has taken place in her womb. Her uterus is going to be able to sustain and maintain a pregnancy, and I know that Molly will be born of her own mother’s womb.
And honestly, it wasnt the outcome I was expecting that day. Was there any disappointment that I couldnt carry her child after all – not in the slightest – because as much as I loved being pregnant (which is why I would have been so happy to carry Sian’s child for her), I knew that it would be so devastating for Sian not to experience the joy of the first kick and the incredible bonding that does take place during that 10 month period when your child grows within you. A miracle I could never take from anyone.