It hurts today


What hurts most today is that I now have a hard and fast concrete number assigned to my infertility.  Previously it has always been what the doctor “says” he sees, or reports from labs that “show” something.  Like, the docs have seen that I have endometriosis (but no level was ever given to me, thankfully!) and the docs confirmed that I have a bicornuate uterus, etc.  This is the first time in my journey where I have been given a number (0.29 AMH level) that shows just how bad the situation is.  A number that I can compare to what should be normal.  This is hard to swallow.  I know God is working here and can and will do amazing things and that this is all to His glory, I know that this is not the end but the beginning, but still, it hurts. 

What also hurts today is the knowledge that my eggs are running out and once they are gone, that is that!  There are many ways to get around all the other infertility matters like blocked tubes (surgery and IVF can help), a bad uterus (surrogacy can supply an alternative) but once you have run out of eggs, that means tickets to having a child of your genetic make up.  Sure you can go for egg donors but that is someone else’s genes that will mix with my dear hubby’s and I’m not cool with that.  This hurts! 

Again, I must assure you that I am not heading for a breakdown, nor depression. I am fine, I am good even, but the hurt is natural and part of the journey.  I must just keep thinking on fun tag lines like “Smile and wave, just smile and wave” (animated movie “Madagascar”) or “Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming” (another animation “Finding Nemo”). Still…it sucks!


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