So recently I have been reading a book, lent to me by a friend, called Slightly Bad Girls of the Bible written by Liz Curtis Higgs. It’s a very good book, however not a good book for me to read right now. The first part of the book looks at Sarah (or Sarai) and Abraham (or Abram) and their desire for a child, which of course takes forever so Sarai encourages Abram to have a child with her Egyptian maidservant, Hagar. The writer of the above mentioned book points out how Sarai should have waited just a little longer for the gift God had promised her and Abram. This story mad me boil. Sarai had waited over 60 years!!! How much longer exactly should she have waited?! Clearly Ms Higgs has not endured infertility. Also, Abram and Sarai had been told DIRECTLY by God himself that they would conceive. This is not my story, God has not spoken DIRECTLY to Gary about the child we are to conceive naturally nor do I have a lifespan long enough to wait 60 years. Yet still I felt disturbed and troubled by this story. Sarai took matters into her own hands to get a child – are we not doing the same? Should we not wait on God for our miracle? This had me very bothered for a few days and yesterday I prayed earnestly for guidance.
So…yesterday my friend, Caryl, came to me with a scripture verse she had been given by God for us: Zechariah 9:12…Return to the stronghold, You prisoners of hope. Even today I declare that I will restore double to you. (NKJV)
I was happy to receive the Word but unsure what exactly it meant. Caryl hinted that perhaps twins were on the cards with the double blessing part. Blessings are always great but still the question lingered, were we doing the right thing with IVF? Is this scripture telling us to return to God for our blessing, and not to a doctor? Is it saying that we should wait on God to restore to us a healthy reproductive system for blessing us? I took the verse home to sleep and pray on it *sigh*.
This morning…oh glorious morning…God opened my eyes. I said to the Lord that I know that he can do a miracle in me and heal me outside of a doctor, He said yes, of course He can. I then asked Him if we were then going down the wrong path with a doctor and should we stop, and He said No, keep going. For just a moment I was confused, but then I then asked God if he was saying to me that both He AND the doctor were going to work a miracle in me and He told me – “exactly, now you’ve got it!” My eyes were then opened and I realised that the double blessing implied the blessing from both God AND the doctor. He then told me to read the same piece of scripture from my Bible, The Good News Bible: Return, you exiles who now have hope; return to your place of safety. I tell you now, I will repay you twice over with blessing for all you have suffered. Bear with me while I point out where God spoke to me in these couple of lines of scripture. “…who now have hope” – we NOW have hope, with the IVF procedure. “…return to your place of safety” – I was feeling so sure about IVF until I read the story of Sarai and Abram, God told me this morning to return to that place of assurance, prior to reading the story. “I will repay you twice over with blessing for all you have suffered” – we have suffered a lot under the lashings of infertility and I am suffering in a sense with having to inject myself daily with fertility drugs, but this will all soon be over. This scripture, which seemed so blah when I first read it yesterday, now speaks to me in ways that brings me to tears. Amazing how we can see but not see, how we can hear but not hear. Only when our eyes and ears are opened by God do we hear and see His word.
One more precious moment I had with the Lord this morning was God told me that Sarah and Abraham’s story is a beautiful story, but it is not my story. The book by Liz Curtis Higgs is a great one and that story speaks to many, but it is not meant for me. He told me to stop reading it. My story is different and beautiful in its own way. He then said to me “Sian, I know that you could not wait 60 years” (he knows how impatient I am and I hung my head in shame that I could not be more faithful) and then he said “but I love you the way you are”. Well I started blubbering like a blubbery thing at the mere thought that God KNOWS me and LOVES me as is! It was one of my first really personal encounters I have had with our Lord and I was overwhelmed.
I did ask him about the twins side, he would not tell me, although he did have a glint in his eye. Some things are best left as a surprise.