After spotting for a couple of days, I telephoned the Doc’s office to advise that it appeared that my cycle had started and to ask what we do next. The Doc called me in for an appointment on Saturday morning.
Apparently I was not supposed to be bleeding as yet and after examining me with an internal ultrasound he was concerned. It appears I have a couple of cysts. Both are on my ovaries. One of the two is a straight forward cyst that didn’t seem to worry him too much and the other he suspects is a hemorrhagic cyst (a congealed lump of blood). Immediately he was looking at the diary to book me for a Laparoscopy (key-hole surgery) but I interjected with “What if we do nothing?” You see, I have had laparoscopies, a few times, and it is not a pleasant experience. Besides, I am running out of space on my tummy for more scars, I have loads from the previous surgeries. He told me we couldn’t leave it, I can’t remember his exact words but I do remember one word he used – tumour! This is where I started to get a bit emotional. He then relented enough to say that we could wait a little to see if the hemorrhagic cyst breaks down naturally. I am not entirely sure how long we wait (I will need to phone the Doc’s rooms to check). If it then hasn’t broken down, he will book me in for surgery. Either way, we cannot proceed with any fertility treatment at present.
I am deeply disappointed. Hurt. Frustrated. And to be frank – I am at that place right now where I do not want ANY further treatment at all. I told Gary that if it does boil down to another Laparoscopy then that will be that! I will proceed with the surgery but then I will not go any further. In church on Sunday, the minister read the Gospel reading where Jesus tells his disciples that to be great you have to be the least of all and that the least will be the greatest, embracing a child he said that anyone who welcomes a child welcomes him and welcomes his Father (God). Immediately it hit home that we should really still be considering the adoption option. Throughout the sermon, the minister mentioned orphans and widows and our duty to them. He also discussed wisdom (the 1st reading in the service was from the book of Job, highlighting where wisdom comes from) and I came to thinking that perhaps another round of IVF is not the wisest move. Our next course of IVF will cost us R39,000.00 most of which will be paid by a lovely older couple we are very close to. We cannot afford this ourselves. My concern is also that this couple are headed for retirement and I am not sure where these funds come from but nevertheless savings are crucial for retirement. I am worried.
Of course everyone around me is encouraging me to keep going, to do what the doctor prescribes and get back on that IVF horse – “Don’t give up”. I don’t know. Right now I am in pain, physically and emotionally so perhaps it is not the best time to decide on the way forward. I am praying about it all though and will wait and see what God says.