It’s been a while since I last captured my thoughts here – the reason for this is that there has been a lot on our minds and it just seemed too complicated and uncertain to put pen to paper. But even capturing the thoughts and ramblings is important for recording our journey so here we go – our attempt to pen it all down in this short post and the post to follow (too much for one post).
We are not pursuing another round of IVF.
The reason is not because we no longer wish to go this route, we would love to give it one more go, we do not, however, have sufficient funds to do this. We are around R15,000.00 short for another attempt. This is a tad too much to put onto the credit card – my poor card has wept every time I’ve pulled it out since we began this journey and I have only just recently settled these debts (we had funds set aside for the bulk of the IVF but all the smaller bits and bobs went onto my credit card which accumulated into a large amount very quickly). The one great difficulty with IVF is the cost and toll it takes on your wallet. Gary and I are not ones to rack up debt – we don’t even have clothing accounts or store cards. So we’ve handed the matter over to our Lord – if He wills it, we trust that He will provide for it. If not, we will move forward, seeking His will in a different direction.
And we are already pursuing a different direction.
‘Let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts.’ Colossians 3:15
This month yielded something new – a 31 day cycle! I typically clock in on a 21 day cycle and never more than 25 days at the most. So you can just imagine our excitement and confusion.
We haven’t a clue as to why I had such a long cycle. The only thing we can think is that it is maybe the result of the laparoscopy this month (although with my past ops I never had a delay in my cycle so I’m not entirely convinced of this possibility). Of course there is a part of me that hoped, in vain, that I might be preggers. Then the other part of me worried that possibly menopause had kicked in and my cycles had now ceased! It really is such a rollercoaster when you are watching your cycles and wondering what is going on in your body – “am I maybe pregnant”, “are my ovaries causing problems” “did I maybe not ovulate this month”, etc. etc. So, in one sense, it is a relief that my new cycle has kicked in as it means that I did ovulate and that I have not (yet) hit my forecasted early menopause – WHEW!
I’ll admit, I had a wobbly with the Lord when my cycle kicked in. I mean after 4 and a half years of watching my cycles and praying to fall pregnant, I FINALLY have a reeeeeaaaaaally long cycle (which normally would mean without a doubt that I was pregnant) and then I hit the bottom of the rollercoaster again with my stomach lurching as my period kicks in. Why Lord? Haven’t we suffered long enough? Why not this time? Why not, finally, give us the miracle of a pregnancy? Haven’t we waited (fairly patiently) long enough? *sigh* I don’t have any answers to these. And I haven’t the foggiest idea what He has in store for us. I just keep telling myself to trust and obey, to just keep going, just keep on keeping on – what else could we do right? And no, I am not being brave or faithful, I just don’t have a choice. It is by no means easy. What it boils down to is that either I carry on and watch and wait, or I abandon my faith and hand myself over to darkness – which quite frankly does not appeal to me in the least, so this really is not an option.
So the big question for us then is what comes next. Do we inform the Clinic and prepare for another round of IVF? It’s actually now quite a complicated decision … so more on that in another post.
My Dad sent this to us today, great timing as I am feeling really down today (more on that tomorrow).
You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
(Psalm 139 minus verses 19 to 22)
After reading our recent post, Dad (who is a minister in the church) felt this was meant for us. We will be spending time absorbing this and praying on this for God’s revelation through it.
Sometimes I manage to convince myself that I am just fine without a child of my own and that we really will do great without kiddos. It is a case of survival and most often I try and harden myself to babies by telling myself things like:
- How beautiful our home is without kiddies toys strewn all over it,
- How we can pay-off our home loan or have spare cash because we don’t have to worry about affording expensive education for kids, or
- We can go on holiday more often because we have the cash and freedom without kids.
And then I see a pretty little baba and I am broken all over again.
Last Sunday at church there was a pretty little blond baby girl. Gary and I attend the early service with most of the retired parishioners so there is almost NEVER a baby or child there. Most families and youth attend the family service mid-morning. For whatever reason, a mother and her gorgeous baby girl attended our early service and I was reminded how much it still hurts to see such beauty. I did not notice the wee lass until it came time for communion as they were sitting in the cry room at the back of the church. However, at communion time they slipped ahead of us and were right in front of us in the queue to the altar. The little lass had the prettiest leather-likes shoes on with flowers all over them. On the way back down the aisle behind them my heart broke and the tears started surfacing.
Some weeks ago, someone very cruelly told me that perhaps I do not desire a baby enough so the Lord hasn’t given me the desires of my heart. The Lord knows my hearts desires and he knows what is best for me and best for Gary.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. Psalm 40: 2
So it is a rainy day here and I’ve further complications to share 😦
Saturday saw me at the GP (general family doc). Shortly after my op I noticed bumps coming up on my tummy. I thought nothing of them and figured it was a reaction of sorts and that they would go away soon enough. No luck, they have spread to my arms, legs, buttocks – woah! It was at this point that I thought to investigate. I telephoned the nurses at the fertility Doc’s offices first, just to check I wasn’t being paranoid and if this might perhaps be something typical following the procedure, and they too advised me to go to our GP.
The GP had a good look and said it may be an allergy but he thinks it is more likely a parasitic thing. Looks like bug bites. He even suggested that it may be Scabies! Whaaat?! I thought that had died out with Scurvy or something but apparently it is quite common and easily picked up. Bummer! I was so embarrassed! Gary thankfully hasn’t got it. So off we went to the pharmacy to get the prescribed mooties (local word for meds) to remedy my uncomfortable situation. A spray on oil for the bugs (which are microscopic and under my skin) and pills for any allergies. R400.00 later I was in tears – I had specifically mentioned to the doc that I hoped the meds wouldn’t be expensive and he said they wouldn’t be, boo hoo! Clearly doctors still earn way more than the rest of us. The medical aid denied it (funds exhausted) so we paid cash (or my credit card to be more precise).
You should have seen me yesterday – an oily passed out body in a bath robe and socks! Seriously. I had to spray the “bug fumigator” all over my body (I mean EVERYWHERE) and leave it on for 12 hours (so had decided to do it on Sunday when I was home and could flop around in next to nothing). Unfortunately the weather turned wet and cold so I had to don a bathrobe and slippers – so sexy! Then the pills for the allergies knocked me for six (the lady at the pharmacy did advise me that it might make me drowsy – drowsy?!? I was passed out for the better part of the day). I was quite a sight yesterday, even digging in my garden early on (fixing holes where the puppy had dug for China and brought up some of our new plants) in nothing but a scruffy old bathrobe and socks – I’m amazed that Gary didn’t say anything – what a man.
Hopefully the “fumigation” did the trick and I will keep on with the allergy pills till Wednesday (and try to keep my eyes open long enough to lead a normal life till then). The GP said we wouldn’t necessarily see results for a couple of days but I do feel less itchy on those spots, fingers crossed.
I don’t mind the rain so much (heck, I’m a South African so we’ll take the rain in this hot, dry land when we can) I’m just praying there will be no more complications or medical expenses. *sigh*
Yesterday I had the much anticipated call from the nurses to tell me of my results for all my recent tests. Aparently I am in the pink of health 🙂
The biopsies on my cysts showed no malignancies, purely cystic fluid and tissues so no worries there – HALLELUJAH! What a relief. Although the Doc had said that they did not appear to be a concern one still worries and thankfully they are thorough and did the tests regardless. Remember, I have not had cysts before so simply having them was enough of a bother never mind the thought of possibly having malignant cysts.
I also had to do a test for infections (for sexual diseases to be honest) as my one fallopian tube showed an infection. I had told the Doc and nurses that there was no way I could have a sexual disease but you can understand that they cannot take our word for it, we have to prove it. And the results did just that – negative for any of the diseases. I still don’t know what the infection is about but it is obviously nothing too serious and the antibiotics I’ve been taking after the op should nail it anyway.
All that remains now is to wait for my next cycle to kick in at which point I will phone the IVF Programme Coordinator at the Clinic to advise of my start date for the next programme. Just sooo excited!
For the joy of the Lord is your strength. Nehemiah 8: 10.