Sometimes I manage to convince myself that I am just fine without a child of my own and that we really will do great without kiddos. It is a case of survival and most often I try and harden myself to babies by telling myself things like:
- How beautiful our home is without kiddies toys strewn all over it,
- How we can pay-off our home loan or have spare cash because we don’t have to worry about affording expensive education for kids, or
- We can go on holiday more often because we have the cash and freedom without kids.
And then I see a pretty little baba and I am broken all over again.
Last Sunday at church there was a pretty little blond baby girl. Gary and I attend the early service with most of the retired parishioners so there is almost NEVER a baby or child there. Most families and youth attend the family service mid-morning. For whatever reason, a mother and her gorgeous baby girl attended our early service and I was reminded how much it still hurts to see such beauty. I did not notice the wee lass until it came time for communion as they were sitting in the cry room at the back of the church. However, at communion time they slipped ahead of us and were right in front of us in the queue to the altar. The little lass had the prettiest leather-likes shoes on with flowers all over them. On the way back down the aisle behind them my heart broke and the tears started surfacing.
Some weeks ago, someone very cruelly told me that perhaps I do not desire a baby enough so the Lord hasn’t given me the desires of my heart. The Lord knows my hearts desires and he knows what is best for me and best for Gary.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. Psalm 40: 2