Baby blues


Sometimes I manage to convince myself that I am just fine without a child of my own and that we really will do great without kiddos.  It is a case of survival and most often I try and harden myself to babies by telling myself things like:

  • How beautiful our home is without kiddies toys strewn all over it,
  • How we can pay-off our home loan or have spare cash because we don’t have to worry about affording expensive education for kids, or
  • We can go on holiday more often because we have the cash and freedom without kids.

And then I see a pretty little baba and I am broken all over again.

Last Sunday at church there was a pretty little blond baby girl.  Gary and I attend the early service with most of the retired parishioners so there is almost NEVER a baby or child there.  Most families and youth attend the family service mid-morning.  For whatever reason, a mother and her gorgeous baby girl attended our early service and I was reminded how much it still hurts to see such beauty.  I did not notice the wee lass until it came time for communion as they were sitting in the cry room at the back of the church.  However, at communion time they slipped ahead of us and were right in front of us in the queue to the altar.  The little lass had the prettiest leather-likes shoes on with flowers all over them.  On the way back down the aisle behind them my heart broke and the tears started surfacing.

Some weeks ago, someone very cruelly told me that perhaps I do not desire a baby enough so the Lord hasn’t given me the desires of my heart.  The Lord knows my hearts desires and he knows what is best for me and best for Gary.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. Psalm 40: 2


4 responses »

  1. Oh my – that was harshly cruel.I tell you today, on YOUR special day, never doubt your God and He knows what is best. He too experienced the full gammet of human emotions and He understands – even when we don’t and we rant and rave. I cannot fathom why God has undoubtedly set you and gary on this path and sometimes I think He is cruel. But it all comes back to faith and trust doesn’t it and this is the basis of our relationship with God as well as the fact that He loves us, you, more than we can ever comprehehend and there is absolutely no cruelness in Him.
    So today dearest precious Sian — breathe and celebrate YOU and all that God has made and is making you. I pray that today in the words of Matt Redman you will “be singing when the evening comes”
    Love you loads!!! xxx

  2. As you say, it all comes back to faith and trust. God is so much greater than us and his plans are so much greater than ours, just to be a part of His story is remarkable, who am I to moan and groan. Thanks for your love and support Nins. ALWAYS so much appreciated.

  3. Oh my Boo, I do so feel for you – my heart just goes out to you. How cruel people can be. How can they question your faith. You and Gary have kept your faith throughout this very difficuly time. We have all cried out to God for you and we know he hears our anguish. Just be assured that our Lord and Saviour loves you so much – remember the vision you received – never doubt that. You are in our prayers daily and we love you unconditionally my Boo.

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