‘I will return and restore the fallen house of David. I will rebuild its ruins and restore it.’ Acts 15:16
I’ve been standing outside my office, looking over the KZN Midlands’ green pastures and hills and marvelling, truly marvelling at the most spectacular electric, thunder storm. How amazing is God’s creation?! The thunder is so loud, and rumbles so long, it has a deep-throated sound to it. So much noise to come from a split second flash of lightning! It makes me think … who am I … really? God is so above us, so big, who am I to question the God of thunder and lightning, the Lord who commands the elements and made them, the King of kings! I am simply me, and grateful to be a part of his marvellous, wondrous creation.
My recent cycle kicked in balancing out the long cycle I had last month. Last month I had a never-experienced-before 31 day cycle; so naturally the pendulum had to swing the other way this month and it yielded a pathetic 16 day cycle – did my body not even try to have a normal cycle?!?! I mean, what was that?!?!
Really not sure why it was so short this month and so long last month. The one possibility is that this month’s cycle stemmed from the ovary that is failing quicker than the other, causing the shorter cycle this month. We’ll have to see if this is a pattern though before we can fully assume this line of reasoning.
This is now my shortest cycle so far, recently I have gone down to 18 day cycles. 16 days now makes me a bit nervous. I can’t help but feel that this is a sure sign that my impending early menopause is around the corner and to be honest it is a little scary. I am totally not the type who panics about getting older, seriously! But on fertility lines, once I hit menopause, the chances of me EVER getting pregnant are pretty much zilch – outside of a miracle of course.
So, it would seem logical to make a mad dash back to the Doc and beg for another round of IVF. However, I don’t feel any desire to do this at this stage – bizarre! In fact, about a week ago I emailed the Doc (well I had to email one of the ladies at the clinic and ask her to send my mail onto him, as I don’t have a direct email address for him) to say a million thanks for all their care and attention with us and to say a very sad farewell. In the letter, we told the Doc how sorry we were that we could not go through with his next IVF programme he had drawn up for us – due only to a lack of funds. I had kinda hoped he would offer to reduce our programme cost (a friend who is with the same doc told us that had done this a couple of times for them and suggested we ask, I couldn’t do that outright) but alas – no response! Not even an acknowledgment of our note. I did however subsequently get two love notes from the Doc’s rooms asking for outstanding balances on my recent laparoscopy that our medical aid did not cover. Boy was I an unhappy bunny! Not the kind of response I was hoping for. It really hurts that the only responses to our letter of thanks and farewell were two bills.
So for now, things remain quiet on the home front, we continue to wait (as per the Lord’s instructions to me), pray and hope for some direction from God.
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36: 26
This passage speaks directly to my heart and spirit. I am so deflated after all our attempts to have a baby which have failed. It could be so easy to get bitter and to harden my heart in this difficult time. Infertility is such a hurtful condition. Everywhere I look there are pregnant mommas and cute little toddlers, it tears my heart a bit every time.
I was just thinking this morning how I need to again harden my heart to wanting children and to move on. It’s the usual rollercoaster of emotions and I don’t want to hurt anymore. I was thinking to focus instead on doing up our home (I am a decorholic) and focusing more on our marriage (which is a good thing regardless). I was thinking how I must again start thinking on all the pros of not having children so that I can feel the joy of us being just “Darby and Joan”. I was thinking to harden my heart to babas.
Oh Lord, how I need a fresh heart, that isn’t bruised and broken, that doesn’t break so easily everytime I see other people’s joy of parenthood. Give me a fresh heart Lord, a heart from and a heart for you.
During our morning readings today this was at the top of the page:
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern the will of God” Romans 12: 2
How we needed this right now, how desperately we want to discern God’s will for us going forward! We are not entirely sure which way to go next. We have prayed and prayed for guidance with seemingly no answer.
I am an action kinda gal. Gary is a ponderous and patient kinda guy, so naturally I have been tearing my hair out with the fact that he is waiting and thinking and not taking things in a new direction for us. Last night, I got down on my hands and knees, face to the ground and asked God what I (Sian) should do – I believe I heard him say “wait”. Oh boy! I hope I was wrong as waiting is not one of my strengths. If God is telling me to wait, then I hope it is not a long wait!
We must point out that we do have a plan, we are just pondering and praying on whether to kick things up a notch and put the plan into action. However, the past few months (with the surrogacy and then IVF attempts) have been such a whirlwind and all happened so so so quickly. We think that maybe taking a little time out just to breath, think, talk and wait a little is what is required.
Either way, we know God has something exciting in store for us – he ALWAYS does! What we need right now is simply prayer for direction, scripture to inspire and strengthen us – and real wisdom for discerning His will.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” Psalm 147: 3