I met with a new friend-in-infertility this Saturday over a cuppa and a LARGE slice of chocolate cake (a girl must). We had a brilliant time and laughed, cried and just heard each other out. No one gets the heartache of infertility like a sister in the same situation.
Among the many things we chatted about she told me how she’s learnt to ask her hubby how he’s feeling during their fertility treatments (they’re doing IVF and surrogacy). I could feel myself slap my face! My hubby is not infertile, he’s healthy and good to reproduce. I am the infertile one – the one who went through all the treatments, the one who broke down monthly when her cycle kicked in, the one who felt like it was me and only me who suffered through those treatments. I am ashamed to admit, I forgot to ask how my hubby was REALLY doing. My friend is also the infertile one in her marriage. She told me how she found her man crying over a crib that was set up for visiting friends. He’s not an emotional man, he’s a mature, business, cool, calm and collected kinda guy. Seeing him in tears broke her heart and slapped her into the realization that he suffers too.
Just because our men might not be as demonstrative as we are , we need to be more aware that this doesn’t mean that they don’t feel our pain and their own. Perhaps they’re just trying to strong … for us.
Adoption of course is a little different – it levels the playing field. I am not the “infertile” one as such, we are both at the mercy of social workers, we’re in the same boat now. Still, shouldn’t it be viewed this way with fertility treatments too? We’re partners after all – what affects me affects him too! If I am infertile, that makes US infertile, we are both affected and both afflicted emotionally.
Thanks dear friend for the wake up call. I spoke to dear hubby over the weekend and he’s gonna write a post on how it all feels from a man’s side. I can’t wait to post that entry!