God is our safe place and our strength. He is always our help when we are in trouble. Psalm 46:1
All will be right and good for you. No one over you will make it hard for you, and you will not be afraid. You will be far from trouble, for it will not come near you. Isaiah 54:14
‘I will return and restore the fallen house of David. I will rebuild its ruins and restore it.’ Acts 15:16
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36: 26
This passage speaks directly to my heart and spirit. I am so deflated after all our attempts to have a baby which have failed. It could be so easy to get bitter and to harden my heart in this difficult time. Infertility is such a hurtful condition. Everywhere I look there are pregnant mommas and cute little toddlers, it tears my heart a bit every time.
I was just thinking this morning how I need to again harden my heart to wanting children and to move on. It’s the usual rollercoaster of emotions and I don’t want to hurt anymore. I was thinking to focus instead on doing up our home (I am a decorholic) and focusing more on our marriage (which is a good thing regardless). I was thinking how I must again start thinking on all the pros of not having children so that I can feel the joy of us being just “Darby and Joan”. I was thinking to harden my heart to babas.
Oh Lord, how I need a fresh heart, that isn’t bruised and broken, that doesn’t break so easily everytime I see other people’s joy of parenthood. Give me a fresh heart Lord, a heart from and a heart for you.
During our morning readings today this was at the top of the page:
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern the will of God” Romans 12: 2
How we needed this right now, how desperately we want to discern God’s will for us going forward! We are not entirely sure which way to go next. We have prayed and prayed for guidance with seemingly no answer.
I am an action kinda gal. Gary is a ponderous and patient kinda guy, so naturally I have been tearing my hair out with the fact that he is waiting and thinking and not taking things in a new direction for us. Last night, I got down on my hands and knees, face to the ground and asked God what I (Sian) should do – I believe I heard him say “wait”. Oh boy! I hope I was wrong as waiting is not one of my strengths. If God is telling me to wait, then I hope it is not a long wait!
We must point out that we do have a plan, we are just pondering and praying on whether to kick things up a notch and put the plan into action. However, the past few months (with the surrogacy and then IVF attempts) have been such a whirlwind and all happened so so so quickly. We think that maybe taking a little time out just to breath, think, talk and wait a little is what is required.
Either way, we know God has something exciting in store for us – he ALWAYS does! What we need right now is simply prayer for direction, scripture to inspire and strengthen us – and real wisdom for discerning His will.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” Psalm 147: 3
For the joy of the Lord is your strength. Nehemiah 8: 10.